I'm not sure how often this blog will be updated or the exact contents, but this blog will mostly deal with the inner workings of my brains and emotions as I struggle to deal with this life. I am mentally ill, but I do not allow that to give me an excuse to not do or achieve the things I want in life. I'm a single mother, a full time student, a small business owner, and an amazing person, but I have my moments and I struggle with every step that I take.
I often feel that I have to focus on taking baby steps. Much like Bob from What About Bob? it's focusing on taking the next step, be it moving from the bedroom to the living room or turning off the lights and going to sleep. All of those things and much much more are enormous struggles for me. I'm often told that I am "strong" and it irritates me, but the truth is that I am strong. I am stronger than any neurotypical person could ever even attempt to imagine. The act of me getting out of bed, dressing, and thinking about leaving my house is enough to send me whimpering for the safety of my womb-like bedroom. But I make myself do it.
That said, I am NOT a bootstrapper. I have my moments and I take medication to help get me through my days. I also resort to unhealthy behaviors to help me cope which I'll discuss at a later time. I understand that people have a hard time and I know just how hard it is to dig out of that pit, but I know it can be done and I know that people just need to have love and support in their lives. I'm so fortunate that I've been able to finally pull myself out on my own and continue on. I'm also fortunate to have people I can lean on from time to time, even if it kills me to admit to moments of weakness.
So! Who am I? What am I? What's my issue?
I'm me. I'm a geeky single mom of two who is hoping to go to nursing school. I work and play hard and I love my kids even harder. I'm dating a great guy who is helpful in the ways he can be and is mostly willing to learn how to accept and work with my peculiarities.
My official diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder coupled with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Severe Depressive Disorder. I scored high on the ADHD test and do exhibit some traits, but they are not at a level high enough to require any attention or medication and as long as I keep the caffeine intake at an acceptable level I can keep it under control unless I see something shiny. I am medicated, but I've whittled down from a boatload to a single pill with an occasional sleep aid. I'll post more on meds later too.
So that's it for now. I'm really hoping this blog will help me vent and voice what I face on a daily basis. I am also hoping it will help me therapeutically since I can't afford a therapist and journaling has always done so much for me int he past.
