Paranoia is a right bitch. It doesn't matter how successful or awesome I am, there is a constant stream of uncertain thoughts in my mind causing me to fear I'm on the verge of losing my relationships or my job.
My job gives me many opportunities to travel; when I'm away from home, I'm plagued by fears and uncertainties. Am I forcing my partner to shoulder too many responsibilities? Does he hate me for jetting all over the country and leaving him home with the child? Will he cheat on me because I've abandoned him for days on end, alone and sexually unfulfilled? Is this fair to him, to my daughter?
He admits that it's hard, but concedes that we are in an adjustment phase. This is all new to both of us, especially where he's the one at home keeping the hearth warm and bellies full. I do all I can before I leave for travels, I prep food and pack the freezer full of ready to cook meals that are from scratch and wholesome. I make sure all laundry is washed, dried, and mostly put away. I clean the house top to bottom so it's one less thing he has to deal with outside of daily sweeping and such. It never feels like it's enough though. I worry endlessly that I'm abandoning the ones I love for a job that I love almost as much as them. I feel overwhelmed by guilt and shame that I'm a woman leaving the home to contribute to her family, yet in so many ways I'm causing more stress and strain on our unit.
Finding a balance between the home life and work away from home life has been draining and taxes me mentally and spiritually. I *think* I'm doing the right thing and I think I'm doing it as well as can be expected, but I often sit there alone in my hotel room and wring my internal hands and worry about how unfair I'm being to them all. I miss them and missing them makes me work up imaginary tales in my mind of death, dismemberment, and pain. I can't stop it entirely and I fe
When I'm not traveling for work, I'm based out of my spare bedroom/home office in the basement. Between emails, spreadsheets, and phone calls I wash laundry or vacuum the house. In those brief breaks between work-related tasks I am overcome with fear that I'll lose my job. I'm terrified I've somehow pissed off my coworkers and they secretly hate me and think I'm lazy and shamming when I'm out of the office.
