"With insomnia, nothing's real. Everything's far away. Everything's a copy of a copy of a copy" - Fight Club
I drink a cup of chamomile tea laced with skullcap and lavender herbs in a muslin bag, I make sure the back and garage doors are locked and shut, I make sure the front door is shut, I turn off the lights, I turn down the a/c, I turn my bedroom fan on high, I use the bathroom, I wash my hands, I brush my teeth, I take my medication, and I get in bed. Sometimes I read, sometimes I watch Star Trek, and sometimes I just lay there willing sleep to come.
On a good night I get five hours of sleep. On a bad night, maybe two or three. It seems the later I fall asleep, the earlier I wake up in the morning. I rarely have the luxury of sleeping in since children need attending to and work needs to be done.
I have my little rituals that help sometimes, but there are nights, like tonight, when I know I won't sleep. I'm exhausted. I know that if I could only close my eyes I'd drift off quickly, but I can't shut my eyes. I don't know why it is, all I have to do is close them, but I can't because I know when I close my eyes my mind will wake up to its full alertness and then all hope is lost.
It comes and it goes but insomnia dances with me nearly every night, especially when I'm dealing with a bout of depression. It compounds my apathy, my unhappiness, and my inability to cope. I am angry and filled with hate because I just want to sleep and everything overwhelms me.
I'm two ambien in and still nothing. I save ambien for the really bad nights and I'm even more ritualistic in my bedtime routine, but apparently it's not going to work tonight and I'll be so unhappy tomorrow. I will drift through my day and drag myself along until bedtime when I'll be too tired to fall asleep and thus the cycle is renewed and I become desperate.
