All my life I've apologized, for what? I'm honestly not sure, but regardless of the situation I would immediately apologize. It's not just me, I see it everywhere I go. When I say "excuse me" as I maneuver around shoppers in a crowded store, they always apologize.
The person apologizing? Always a woman.
Why do we women apologize so much? Why does it seem "sorry" is an anthem for our gender? Are we such an imposition on others? Is our presence so offensive?
I look back to my past to see if I can find the roots of my obsession with apologizing, but I cannot find the source. I honestly cannot figure out why I am so forthcoming with admissions of failings and offense when I have not failed or offended.
When I decided to make a conscience effort to decrease my apologies, I was astounded by the sheer volume of attempts to make concessions for wrongs undone. I apologize at least once in a conversation, usually multiple times. I even frequently apologize before beginning to talk, not for interrupting, but just for daring to speak in turn.
I sincerely wish that there was a way for me to find the source of my speaking habits so I can turn to it and begin to root it out with focused effort, but it is so ingrained and such a part of me for such a great period of time, that I honestly believe I'll never figure out just where to point my finger and say "ah ha! There you are you pesky little starting point of my apology career! To the therapy couch we go!"
I don't understand my obsession with saying sorry. I'm a pleasant person and usually offer enjoyable companionship and company, but I frequently apologize, as if my conversation is an affront to others. While I do soap box from time to time and I'm highly opinionated, time has taught me the concept of time and place, so I no longer begin to spout out on my soap box topics at inappropriate times. Still, even just talking about mundane topics like the weather, I'll find myself apologizing intermittently throughout the conversation.
I could be commenting on the beautiful weather and sunshine and still find a way to apologize since sunny weather can lead to sunburns, headaches, heat injury, etc...it's as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and I'm apologizing beforehand just to get a leg up on the offense I'm sure I'll commit or utter inadvertently.
It's pathetic. I offend myself when I apologize to others. Why am I sorry? I'm a valuable person whose words hold worth and intelligent thought. If I feel I'm so offensive to others, why do I invest in these relationships where I feel I must constantly lay down a litany of self effacement to others.
And again, it's not just me. I see this habit in so many women I encounter on a daily basis. As I mentioned before, even just saying "excuse me" elicits an immediate apology when that woman wasn't even in the wrong.
We have to stop this. We have to stop feeling sorry for existing, for having opinions and daring to voice them. We have to stop apologizing for every little thing that isn't even in our control.
Perhaps my awareness of "sorry" began at a very young age. After my mother's suicide, people always apologized when they were informed. "Oh Monica, I'm SO SORRY!"
Yeah dude, me too. Kind of sucks having a tragically dead mother. Your apology does nothing to help soothe this wound. So yeah, please don't say that again.
When we're faced with a situation over which we have no control, but feel regret or sorrow, we often blurt out an unthoughtful apology. To remove sorry from our nonstop vernacular, we have to focus on our words before they leave our mouths.
Doing this has been immeasurably difficult. As I mentioned, when I made a conscious effort to remove sorry from my vocabulary, I hadn't realized just how often I said it. Stopping this word has proven to be one of the hardest habits I've tried to break, including smoking. It was easier for me to stop smoking after a seven year, pack and a half a day habit, than it has been for me to stop saying sorry.
It's required me to think even more before I speak. It's often left me...speechless. Because what do you say to someone who has experienced a tragedy in their lives? You are genuinely sorry for them, but that does nothing to help or heal. I have begun to realize that even just the kindest words like "I'm thinking of you, is there anything I can do?" goes much further than an apologetic utterance.
As for apologizing for speaking, thinking, or even daring to exist, I don't know. It's a hard habit to break because up until recently I wasn't even aware it existed. My partner yelled at me one day because he was so fed up with my constant stream of sorry that were in almost every sentence I uttered.
He was offended because he values me and finds my conversation of value and worth. I should not apologize for speaking, perhaps for speaking out of turn, as I'm frequently wont to do, but not for just talking in a conversational manner. Certainly not for having a formed opinion. But I do it.
I'm now trying to convey this message that we don't need to apologize in every way I can. When someone at the store apologizes to me I now ask them "why are you sorry?" which frequently elicits a blank stare or gaping mouth. I hope that by attracting attention to these needless apologies, I'll begin to help other women root it out of their daily routine.
In one instance, a woman actually replied to my question with an "I honestly don't know!" and we talked for a brief moment about why we apologize so much. She seemed to be in complete agreement that we women apologize too frequently.
