My meds stopped working. I stopped functioning. I was having such a miserably rough go at life that I absolutely could not cope. I called my p-doc and gave him the run down, and he handed me some samples for a new anti-p that is really seeming to help.
I feel like I've failed. I'm back on medications designed for people with schizophrenia, that's the real stuff for real issues. It's shameful for me to sit down and take this tablet every night. The side effects are awful, I can't think straight, and I rarely remember things, even when I've set reminders on my phone or written them down.
I was doing so well there for a while and for some reason I just...fell back into that hole and couldn't dig my way out. I'm stable again, but my mood is different, I'm different. I feel somewhat numb and like I'm becoming a shell of myself. I'm in a fog most of the time and I get so frustrated because even speaking coherently has become a chore.
I often find myself remaining silent during conversations because my words come out garbled or just plain wrong. That makes people laugh at me and I laugh too, but inwardly I'm so ashamed that I can't even think clearly or convey my thoughts into words.
I guess that I'll just have to take it as it comes and try not to dwell too obsessively on the negatives. I need to focus on the good and remember that this is helping and with time, I will adjust. I'm not experiencing some of the side effects I've experienced in the past with anti-p drugs, but that doesn't mean it won't come. I have noticed I'm prone to drops in my blood sugar which causes me to feel faint and get that rushing heartbeat, but I try to keep up with intake of food and water throughout the day which in turn terrifies me because I gained so much weight last time I was on anti-p drugs.
So far Saphris is working for me but I'm ashamed I have to take it.
