Are You Paranoid?

Back in my wild youth I used to have such fun playing around with friends experiencing paranoia as a side effect from mind altering substances.  I would ask in this innocent, yet sultry voice "are you paranoid?" and it was instant fun.  Friends going through a rough moment would smile at me, give me a hug, and then cheer up.  For some reason, recognizing that paranoia seemed to be key to releasing it once it was acknowledged and viewed through someone else's eyes.

These days I don't really have anyone to say the magic words to yank me out of my paranoia so I have to do it to myself.  I can't say that it's quite as effective, but of course it isn't just a sensation temporarily invoked by drug consumption.  For me, paranoia is a rather new animal I've had to deal with.  I've always had social paranoia, but nothing like what I have been coping with as of late.  This is rough and this is tough.  I actually have some delusional thoughts, but I've so far been able to control my reactions and talk myself down.

People are watching me.

They are!  When I'm working in someone's home I know they're video or audio recording me.  For the most part I don't care because all they'd see is a dumb idiot dashing about in a rush while she bebops and dances around to the music.  I do sing out loud, badly, so I'm sure any audio would be hilarious, but really it's no big deal. Perhaps that's why I'm able to kind of blow it off.  It adds an element of stress to my life that isn't fun, but I am able to tell myself that no one cares to record me and go on.

I guess this is just a a minor thing in reality, but my pdoc was horrified to hear I was having these delusions when I confessed.  They were really bothering me and a rather new sensation so I talked to him about them. Cue another anti psychotic prescription.  I even took the damn pills for three weeks, but didn't really notice a difference so I discontinued their use.  I hate anti-ps and have prided myself on getting off of them, especially since I have an irritating habit of getting the rarer side effects like, oh...lactation.  That was rather interesting, to say the least.

People are laughing at me.

The social paranoia is still hard for me.  I always have the sensation of being watched when I'm in public.  Of course, it doesn't help that I don't look "normal" in that I wear ironic shirts, vintage glasses, and loud colors at times (like my colorful socks).  It's a very unnerving sensation, especially when I do that panicked room check and notice that people ARE looking at me.  It's hard to explain how it feels when I know someone's looking at me, but I can just feel it.  It's very similar to having someone just ever so barely touching me.  Sometimes I feel it physically, which is extremely disconcerting, but most of the times it's a mental touch.  It's as if I can feel a persons' eyes turn onto myself and look.  At times I see myself in my mind, turn, and there's a person staring at me.

It's just that "someone's watching me" sensation that drains me so totally.  That and wondering if people are laughing at me.  I love to laugh, laughter is such an amazing thing, especially when it's unfettered and free.  I try not to let myself laugh freely in front of others because if I truly release and laugh I snort, which makes people stop laughing at something and start laughing at ME.  Of course, it is hilarious, which makes me laugh harder, but it does take its toll over time.

If I hear people nearby laughing I'll usually look over.  I'm not sure if it's my movement that triggers their own reaction of looking at me, but it seems that whenever I look, I notice someone look at me and then look away.  The reality is most likely that they saw me startle and look, reacted themselves, and then saw nothing out of the ordinary and returned to their conversation.  To me it feels much more sinister and often cements in my mind that they're indeed laughing at me and can't look at me because they don't want me to know that I know they're laughing at me.  It's a bit convoluted and...well stupid to be honest, but I work with what I have and sometimes it's not much.

To cope with my social paranoia, I simply cannot function in a social setting unaided.  I tried for quite a while and ended up just self medicating with alcohol and since I only drink to get drunk, I spent a lot of time forming friends heavily under the influence and don't remember half of what happened or was said.  That's never good.  Now I take .5 mg of clonazepam shortly before attending a social function and it's just enough to take off the edge without altering my state of mind or making me sleepy.  It does help immensely and I find myself able to enjoy outings in large groups or gatherings.

That still doesn't keep me from placing myself in a strategic location.  I hate having my back exposed.  If no one can sneak up on me, then no one can be sitting behind me and listening.  I can't be approached from behind and surprised.  I often startle when approached from behind, no particular reason why this is, but it happens and it tends to upset some people.  Even when someone comes up behind me while I'm being domestic in the kitchen and lovingly caresses or strokes me I flinch or jump a mile, depending on how absorbed I am.  I don't like being surprised like that.  It's just something I've learned that I have little control over.  I've tried to do it on my own and it doesn't work well.  I either blend into the background or get drunk.

I don't think there is much I can beyond what I'm doing now.  I do use a cognitive approach and expose myself as often as I can without devastating my mental state, but I sincerely doubt that I will ever be able to function unfettered in a social society.  My dream home is a secluded house in a very rural setting with access to a lake or river so I can swim.