I so rarely update this blog, but that's part of why I started it. I didn't want this to become a venting space to spew all the horrid bullshit in my brain, but one that I update periodically when I feel a compulsion to share my journey and experiences.
The last entry I'd posted was about going back on ant-psychotic medications, Saphris to be specific, but it didn't last long. I tried so hard to make it work, but the side effects never went away and it began to affect my life drastically. I'll leave it at that, no need to go into the actual details such as how I became a slack-jawed drooling moron.
Life is pretty positive right now, which is surprising for me. I ended up dropping all medications almost two years ago, mostly because I just couldn't afford it. Weaning off the Lamictal was HARD, I cannot put it into words how hard it was to wean off of it after years of use. I did it. I didn't kill anyone and no one killed me, but if one of those things had happened, well it wouldn't have been much of a surprise. That's how hard it was.
I did not like myself when I was weaning off.
It took about three months to stabilize myself and I cannot begin to voice the gratitude I feel for my man because while he was mostly supportive, it was a frustrating period of time for him while I processed and adjusted. I did break down and revisit my p-doc shortly after I'd fully weaned off and got a refill, but when I took the meds I began to get blinding headaches that would put me in bed for days. The pain was unbearable and indescribable, like a kaleidoscope of technicolor agony needling into my brain, eyes, and teeth. Even my teeth hurt, they felt like they were trying to explode out of my head and I was absolutely certain they were rotting and about to fall out.
Thankfully my teeth are still intact and I dropped the meds after a week-long migraine binge. It was horrible.
I cannot say that I'm 100% in fact I'd honestly say that most days I'm probably running at about 60% mental function, but I'm not suicidal most of the time and I've found a new balance. Educating myself has been the most important part of dealing with my mental health issues. I have voraciously devoured every study, every article, and every speck of information I come across that relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. As I've learned about the disorder, I've learned that I can recognize my disordered thinking as it happens and begin to pull myself off the path of going full blown crazy pants.
One of my biggest struggles I battle with is splitting. With BPD, I see things in terms of black and white. The end. I can see the grey, but the grey rarely makes sense to me and while I can see how others can accept or embrace grey terms, for me, absolutely not, no way, not acceptable ever. Writing this out can make me seem so balanced and such, but it isn't that simple. For me it adds an element of stress to every relationship I'm in because if a person in my life makes a grey or black decision I instantly file them into the "black" category. They are a bad person and not worthy of my love or affection.
I don't do this with just the big things, I do it with little things too. In my home life, a clean home is a manifestation of my mind. If my house is chaotic, my mind is chaotic. I've explained this many times to those who live with me, so when they leave socks laying around or live like pigs I take this as a direct insult to me and the things that are vital to my happiness. They instantly go into the "black" category.
Because I force myself to have a heightened awareness of my disordered thinking I am now, for the most part, capable of separating myself from the rage and frustration I feel when the house is in disarray. Instead of screaming and freaking out, I remove myself from the affected room (or rooms, or house at times), count to 5 million if that's what it takes, and realize that it isn't intentional and I am beginning to split. The children and man in my life are not deliberately trying to make me crazy by being messy, they're just messy and I have to remind them to please help so that I can be stable and happy in our home.
That one is probably the one I struggle with the most and I often fail. Just yesterday I had an epic freak out on my children because while I was doing my best to finish unpacking from our move and clear out those last few stubborn boxes, they were playing and had lied to me about their rooms being clean.
Ah...honesty. The other key factor that causes me to split. I won't touch on that one right now, it's a big one I'm dealing with in regards to the children as they go through their developmentally appropriate kid stuff. Suffice to say, splitting has been at the fore in my life lately.
So yeah, I'm med free. It's a struggle. I sometimes wish that I could reach for a bottle of pills to ease my journey in life because it really is so much easier when I have assistance, but as of this moment, I'm doing okay and when you're mentally ill, sometimes okay is actually great.
I still struggle with all the things I've struggled with in the past. I still feel Depression hovering over me and I've slipped into her embrace a few times lately, but with this job and the kids, I just don't have time. I can't drop my game face for long or else it will seriously impact the others in my life who depend on me, and at this moment I guess that's all I need to drive me forward and onward. It isn't perfect and for one who strives for perfection it's sometimes an insult to myself that I can't work through this 100%, but I don't know. I have moments of lucidity where I'm capable of being satisfied with where I am and who I am. They're rare and fleeting, but when those moments come I am truly happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment